Are you who you want to be.. or even who you think you are?

A few months ago I moved my horse to the city.  Up until that point, it’s been several years since I have been directly responsible for her care.

I have to question if I have ever been directly responsible for her care.

She was given to me when I was 12 years old – I had asked my dad if I could have a horse for a full year up to the day when he said I could.  I won’t get into the whole story, but after a few weeks (a month?) of looking, my grandmother found a horse for me.

Starlight was only two at the time, and could not be ridden until she was three – so for that first year we spent a lot of time walking, talking, and grooming.  I worked with a trainer the next year who taught me how to be a better rider and my horse how to listen/interpret my queues.

I really enjoyed being a western horse back rider.  I liked telling people about my horse, my riding – my travels.  I loved spending time with my horse.

During that time, my parents bought a few more horses, horse trailers, and all the horsey-stuff you can imagine (saddles ect).

Then I went away to college.  I came back home every summer for the first five years of school and always rode – probably not as much as I should have, but I rode.  The following year a cousin was looking for a few horses for a horse-back riding adventure tourism thing he was working on and I said he could use starlight as a tour horse in exchange for board/feed – the deal was done.

Then, two years ago my mom and dad sold their horses, trailers, bridles and bits (everything except dad’s saddle).   They actually sold just about everything to an aunt/uncle of mine – the uncles kid, was my cousin who had starlight.

Well – last year cousin could no longer care of starlight, and his plans had all landed on his lap.  That brings us to present day, where a few months ago (August) I brought starlight to my city.

I promised myself that I would give myself a year to figure out if I really was the horse-back riding person that I wanted to me, and that I thought I was.

The first month was great, I went out just about every other day, I got all of her vaccinations up to date – and was off to a great start.  The second month I got my saddle organized, and went out to ride – that was a big fail because I actually forgot how to do up my saddle.

I forgot – I couldn’t do it right – I felt stupid.

After three hours, I went home.

I’ve been back a few times to drop of cheques for her board, and to make sure she’s doing well – but I haven’t tried riding again.

Now it’s cold and dark when I get home – and I haven’t found the time to make it work.

Am I really a horse-back rider?  Am I?

I want to be, I thought I wanted to be, I thought I could be.

I feel like I’m doing her a disservice by not riding and visiting more often – I know she’s not getting the exercise she should be.  I know I need to get her feet shod.  I feel like I have no resources here when it comes to my horse – I don’t know who to go to.

I don’t know if I’m this person anymore and it scares me.